Unhealthy Relationships: Why We Stay

What qualifies as an unhealthy relationship is different for each of us. The same exact person may be wonderful for you, but harmful to me.

Typically people think in terms of a narcissist or someone who is outwardly abusive…but that’s not always the case.

The people that are unhealthy for us aren’t always so obvious —in fact, sometimes it is us.

Sometimes, these situations may even take us by surprise.

We meet this awesome person, only to find out that they are actually an awful person.

Interestingly, when we take a step back, we can notice a pattern in our thoughts and choices.

Emotional Toll of Unhealthy Relationships 

Our emotional health impacts and is impacted by the people we choose to keep close. 

For this reason, it is important to recognize and remedy our toxic connections.

When we aren’t mindful of who we allow into our circle, we can end up in entanglements that:

  • lower our self-esteem
  • reinforce feelings of helplessness
  • contribute to our self-sabotage
  • prevent our personal growth

While every individual has their own reasons as to why they choose to stay in unhealthy relationships, those are high prices to pay for companionship.

Sadly, many of us are willing to sacrifice ourselves just to avoid being alone.

Developing the inner strength to stand up for ourselves takes time, patience, and effort. But it can be done.

While every individual has their own reasons as to why they choose to stay in unhealthy relationships, 
many sacrifice themselves just to avoid being alone.

5 Reasons We Stay in Unhealthy Relationships

Healthy relationships don’t just happen. We cannot manifest them. Neither will unhealthy relationships cure themselves.

We have to make the journey within to uncover why we are making such life altering “people” choices.

Fortunately, these relationships/friendships can be some of our best teachers.

We get to learn what we want, don’t want , and how to work on ourselves to get the best outcome.

Below are some of things I learned about why I chose to stay in unhealthy relationships.

As you read them, consider your own reasons and what you can do to work toward healing.

#1 It wasn’t that I loved them too much…

I didn’t love myself enough.

Over the years, I have made a lot of poor relationship choices —staying in soul crushing enmeshments because I didn’t recognize my own worth.

I stayed with people that I never should have given the time of day. Convincing myself that I loved them, I sat back and dealt with emotional and mental abuse.

Sadly, I could not love myself enough to understand the spiritual danger that I was in.

Little by little, my sense of self , worth, and identity were torn to shreds. 

This happened over and over, until I finally learned that love starts within. 

#2 The patterns we re-created were painful but…

The dysfunction was familiar.

A high emotional pain tolerance kept me existing in and exposing myself to situations that were incredibly destructive.

Because I knew how to handle particular types of pain, I accepted it. 

I may not have realized it at the time, but I was reliving dysfunctional patterns.

It was like being an actress, performing the same play over and over — and knowing all my lines to perfection.  

Just as you would expect, the ending was always the same. The only differences were the other characters. 

Until we make the uncomfortable, (and often painful) decision to break the cycle, we will relive the same scenarios. This pattern destroys our self-esteem and our credibility with ourselves.

#3 I felt like a helpless and hopeless victim…

Seeing ourselves as helpless victims relieves us of having to take responsibility for the choices we’ve made about those we let in.  

It also disempowers.

When I didn’t have the heart to see my own role in my circumstances, I lived at the mercy of other people.

But the fact remains that we chose this person— and we stayed despite the red flags, discomfort, and even pain.

When we stop casting the other person as the villain, we give ourselves the chance to own our power and change our path.

Unhealthy relationships can:
lower our self-esteem
reinforce feelings of helplessness
contribute to our self-sabotage
prevent our personal growth

#4 Allowing myself to rejoice in being chosen …

I used to live with a deep fear of being rejected.

Once I was accepted or approved of, I feared being abandoned.

No matter what, I had such a low opinion of my own worth that I needed others to choose, accept, and validate me.

But, the need to feel chosen only prevented me from choosing myself. That’s a tough thing to admit and accept.

Being chosen by someone felt like amazing. If they were able to see my value, then maybe I would too. Sadly, I couldn’t.

Unfortunately, this shattered sense of self only attracted people that used people like me. In the end, I was devalued and victimized— and I allowed it.

Once I learned to value myself, I started to choose myself.

Then, when unhealthy relationships, friendships or circumstances presented themselves , I was able to:

  • recognize them
  • sit with the discomfort of detaching
  • practice self-care
  • remove myself to prevent further harm

We all have a choice to make—hopefully, we choose ourselves.

# 5 The emotional unavailability of them was a reflection of my own….

Though I dabbled in what felt like strong emotional ties, anything beyond the surface wasn’t sustainable.

My fears of vulnerability were just too powerful to overcome.

After a lot of self-help books and many therapy sessions later, I finally realized that I wasn’t able to be vulnerable with or available to myself.

Coming to terms with this truth was the key to releasing my emotions and learning how to feel and regulate them.

Being vulnerable became a strength rather than a fear and weakness.

Stay or Go…

Unhealthy attachments, physical attraction, and dysfunctional love should never be the reasons that we remain in a relationship or friendship—especially one that is destroying us from the inside out.

Unfortunately , when we are starving for attention, acceptance, or companionship—our hunger will drive us to accept crumbs as meals. 

At some point, we have to do the hard work to free ourselves from this cycle of pain.

We have to learn to be able to endure temporary discomfort, in exchange for our long-term (overall) health.

Growing Healthy Relationships

Relationships and friendships are complicated.

Sharing a healthy connection with someone else requires certain sacrifices, understanding, and the ability to compromise.

And those are just a few of the things we need.

We also must be able to:

  • value ourselves apart from the relationship 
  • determine and uphold our values
  • maintain our boundaries 
  • honor and respect ourselves
  • know when to walk away

Additionally, each of us has to work out why we:

  • chose this person
  • continue in this pattern 
  • make the choice to stay

Growing healthy relationships is entirely possible, but we must be willing to do the inner work and release what (or who) is holding us down.

Free PDF download to help you get clarity on what is causing your unhealthy relationship and how you can get on the path to recovery.
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Char Aukland

Hi! I’m Char Aukland…Christian, wife, homeschool mom, and U.S. Army veteran.

A love for Christ, sharing the Gospel, and experience from my personal struggles fuel my writing.

Additionally, I am the author of Life’s a Trip, a lifestyle workbook that takes an inside out approach to inner and outer weight loss.